How to prepare for mediation, properly

The night before my first mediation I sat at the kitchen table of my unit and made three lists on the back of a Bunnings receipt. What I needed. What I'd accept. What I'd walk away from. The next morning at the mediator's office I'd already done 80% of the thinking. The session was just paperwork around the answers.

The blokes I've watched flounder in mediation didn't lack reasons. They lacked preparation.

Mediation is treated, by men, as if it's a chat. It's not. It's a structured negotiation against a clock, in a room where you'll be tired, emotional, and asked to make decisions that bind you for life. Walk in cold and you'll walk out with whatever the room produced. Walk in prepared and you'll walk out with what you actually need.

Understand what's actually happening in the room

A Family Dispute Resolution practitioner is neutral. They are not your advocate. They will not stop you from giving away the farm. Their job is a deal, any deal, that both of you sign.

That means your preparation has to do the job an advocate would do. You're advocate, accountant, and client at the same time.

Most mediations follow the same shape: joint opening, separate caucuses (you in one room, her in another, mediator shuttles), reconvene, draft heads of agreement, both leave with a document. Sometimes one session, sometimes two or three. For property and parenting combined, allow a full day minimum.

The document pack

Build this before you book the date. If you turn up to mediation without the numbers, you'll either guess (bad) or stall (also bad).

• Last 12 months of every bank statement, joint and individual. PDFs from the bank, not screenshots.
• Last 3 years of tax returns and notices of assessment for both of you, if you can get hers.
• Most recent super statements for every fund, both parties. The super split is often the biggest single decision in the room.
• Recent payslips, last three for each of you.
• Mortgage statement with current balance and redraw / offset.
• Property valuation. Not a real estate agent appraisal (worthless in this context). A licensed valuer's report. Jointly instructed if possible (cheaper, harder to argue with).
• Vehicle valuations. Redbook prints are fine.
• Credit card statements, last 12 months.
• Business financials if either of you owns one. Last three years.
• List of every asset over $1,000 in the house. Yes, including the espresso machine.
• List of every debt, including the family loan from your dad you forgot about.

Put it all in one folder, labelled, indexed. Cloud copy and a printed copy. Bring both.

Know your numbers cold

You should be able to recite the pool from memory before you walk in.

• Total assets.
• Total liabilities.
• Net pool.
• Your super, her super, combined super.
• Your income, her income.
• The kids' weekly costs (school fees, before/after care, sport, medical).

If you don't know these numbers, you cannot evaluate a proposal. The mediator will say "she's offering 55/45 with super". You need to be able to instantly translate that into dollars to you, dollars to her, dollars to the kids' schooling.

I built a one-page spreadsheet the night before mine. Every scenario went into a single row: split %, my $ out, her $ out, super $ out, mortgage payout, cash to me. Twelve rows. Whatever was thrown at me, I ran it through the rows in 30 seconds.

Define your three numbers

Before mediation, you need three positions. Not one. Three.

• The walk-away. Below this, you'd rather take the chance in court. Be honest. This is the floor.
• The realistic. The deal you'd shake hands on without flinching. This is what you're aiming for.
• The optimistic. What you'd ask for first, knowing it's the high mark. Anchor without being insulting.

Without these three numbers written down, every offer feels either generous or stingy depending on your mood at the moment. With them, every offer is "above floor / at target / below floor" and the decision is mechanical.

The non-negotiables list

Separate from money, write down what you absolutely will not give up.

• Time with the kids. Specific schedule, not vague principles.
• The dog (yes, the dog, this matters more than people admit).
• A particular asset (your father's watch, the workshop tools, the surfboard collection).
• A protected sum from super you've identified as a contribution from before the relationship.

Three to five items max. If everything is non-negotiable, nothing is. Be ruthless about the difference between "I'd prefer" and "I cannot live with the outcome where I lose this".

The kids section, separately

If parenting is on the table, you need a draft parenting plan in your back pocket before you arrive.

• Week-on / week-off, 5-2-2-5, 9-5, every second weekend? Know the patterns and the trade-offs.
• Christmas / Easter / school holidays. Specific.
• Birthdays (yours, hers, theirs, grandparents).
• Changeover (school is best, neutral location is second best, never the family home).
• Communication when they're with the other parent.
• Decision making (sole, joint, by category).

Print a draft. Hand it across the table. The room will discuss your draft, not start from a blank page. Drafts win.

Get one hour with a lawyer first

Not five. One. A fixed-fee strategy session ($300 to $600) where you bring your document pack, your three numbers, and your non-negotiables. The lawyer's job in that hour is to:

• Sanity check that your "realistic" position is actually realistic under s79.
• Tell you what a court would likely do with this pool.
• Flag any structural issues (super splits, business valuations, hidden assets you should look for).
• Brief you on the consent orders process so you know what happens after the handshake.

Walk into mediation with that hour in your back pocket. Don't bring the lawyer to the session itself unless you have a specific reason (it can escalate the tone, and most mediators prefer just the parties).

On the day

• Eat. Properly. Not a servo pie at 11am. Mediation is cognitively brutal and your blood sugar will swing.
• Bring water, snacks, your folder, a notepad and pen, your phone (silenced).
• Wear what you'd wear to a job interview. Not a suit. Tidy.
• Arrive 20 minutes early. Walk the block to settle.
• Speak slowly. Slower than feels natural. The room is rewarding measured, not loud.
• When she says something that lands like a punch (and she will), write it down. Don't react. The pause is your friend.
• Take breaks. You can ask. Use them. Step outside, ring a mate, breathe.

After

If you reach heads of agreement, take the document to your lawyer before signing the consent orders. Heads of agreement are usually not binding (a "subject to consent orders" clause is standard). The binding moment is the consent orders themselves (Form 11 + Annexure A, filed with the court, around $170 fee).

Don't skip that step. The whole point of a written agreement is enforceability.

The thing nobody tells you

Mediation is not about winning. It's about converting an unbearable situation into a tolerable one, on terms you helped draft, in a single building, in a single day. The blokes who walk in trying to win usually walk out with nothing signed.

Walk in prepared. Walk out done.