§ Divorce

The essential steps when divorce is coming

25 April 20268 min

My marriage didn't end on the day she said it. It ended in a long, slow, mutual recognition over the back end of a year. By the time the conversation happened we both knew. What I didn't know, and wish someone had said clearly, was that the 90 days before that conversation are worth more, in dollar terms and stress terms, than the next 18 months combined.

You don't need to be cunning. You need to be ready. There's a difference.

The blokes I watch struggle most through divorce are the ones who get blindsided by their own paperwork. The ones who landed on their feet (relatively) had done six things before either of them said the word.

This is the order of operations.

Step 1: Decide if it's actually over

Before any practical step, decide. Not "explore", not "consider", decide.

If there's any chance, do counselling first. Properly. Not three sessions and a sigh, but a real run at it with a couples therapist who isn't friends with either of you. Relationships Australia, Family Relationships Online, or a private psychologist. Cost is $200 to $300 a session, six to twelve sessions to know one way or the other.

If you decide it's done, you decide it. Don't drift into divorce. Drift extends every following step by months and costs five figures.

Step 2: Get your financial picture clear, in private

Not for hiding anything. For knowing it.

Sit down for a weekend with the laptop and build:

A net asset position. Every account, balance, super, super, redraw, debts. One spreadsheet.
A 12-month cash flow. What comes in, what goes out, where every dollar lives.
A list of all joint debts, joint accounts, joint subscriptions, joint everything.
A list of every account in your sole name (you'll be surprised what you've forgotten).
A list of every account in her sole name that you know about.

Save it somewhere private. A personal email account she doesn't have access to, or an external drive locked in a desk drawer at work.

This isn't strategic. This is the document you'll need on day one of any conversation with a lawyer, mediator, or accountant. Build it now while you have time. Build it later under pressure and you'll miss things.

Step 3: Open the sole accounts you'll need

Before separation, while it's not a battlefield. After separation it's harder, more conspicuous, and more easily mischaracterised.

A new bank account at a different bank from the joint one. Salary direct deposit goes here.
A new credit card in your name only with a low limit. For the moving costs.
An emergency cash buffer of one to three months of separated living costs ($10k to $25k for most blokes). Sole account.
Email account she doesn't have shared access to.

Doing this six months before separation looks like normal financial hygiene. Doing it the day after looks like preparation for combat. Both are legal. Only one creates the wrong tone.

Step 4: One initial lawyer consult, paid

Find a family lawyer. Not a friend's mate, not a generalist solicitor, a family lawyer. Most offer a fixed-fee initial consult, $300 to $600 for 60 to 90 minutes.

Bring your spreadsheet. Bring your questions. Walk out with:

A realistic read on the likely property split based on the s79 framework.
A realistic read on parenting arrangements given your family setup.
A timeline for how long the legal process will take.
An honest cost estimate for the path you're describing.
A written summary you'll receive by email.

This consult does not commit you to that lawyer. Get a second opinion if anything sounded off. The relationship with your family lawyer matters; you're going to spend 12 to 24 months in their company.

Step 5: Assemble the document pack

You'll need this for mediation, for consent orders, for any contested matter. Build it now, calmly, when access is unrestricted.

3 years of personal tax returns and notices of assessment.
12 months of every bank statement, joint and sole.
12 months of every credit card statement.
Most recent super statements for every fund.
3 most recent payslips.
Mortgage statement with current balance.
Recent property valuation (or know what one would cost).
Vehicle valuations (Redbook).
Last 3 years of business financials if you own one.
Marriage certificate.
Birth certificates for the kids.

Scan everything. Cloud folder, organised, indexed. Print copies for your lawyer.

Step 6: Tell the small circle

Not everyone. Not yet. Your immediate financial and emotional supports.

Your accountant. Quietly. So they can keep things clean.
Your GP. Mental health gets crushed in this period. Get a baseline now, so you have a relationship in place when you need a referral to a psychologist.
Two or three close mates who can be on-call. Specifically the ones who have been through it. Their advice will be different from your single mates' advice, and better.
A family member, if you have one who can hold confidence. Otherwise wait.

Don't tell the kids until there's something to tell them. Don't tell mutual friends until you have to. Don't post on social media. Don't tell colleagues unless your work directly depends on knowing.

Step 7: Have the conversation

The conversation itself, when it comes, should be:

Sober.
Sitting down.
Without the kids in the house.
Without an audience of family.
Direct. "I think our marriage is over and I want us to separate."
Unilateral or mutual, depending on where you both are.
Followed by a written confirmation (an email to her saying "I confirm we agreed today, [date], that we're separating").

That email serves two purposes. It marks the date for the 12-month separation period required for divorce. It also creates a record both of you can refer back to.

Step 8: The first week after

A practical checklist for the seven days following the conversation.

Move out, or arrange the in-house separation arrangement (separate bedrooms, separate finances, agreed shared parenting). Decide which.
Update your salary direct deposit if you haven't already.
Tell the kids together if possible. Age-appropriate, brief, no detail about why, lots of reassurance about both parents loving them.
Update emergency contacts at the kids' school.
Don't change the locks (unless there's a safety reason, in which case get advice immediately).
Don't post anything online.
Don't fight on Messenger / WhatsApp. Move all communication to a single channel, ideally email or a co-parenting app like Talking Parents (everything is logged).

Step 9: The first month

Set up FDR (Family Dispute Resolution) booking for parenting matters. Booked, dated, in the diary.
Engage your family lawyer formally for property matters if you've decided to go that way.
Start a separation diary. One sentence a day. What was discussed, what was agreed, what was contentious. You'll thank yourself.
Get the GP referral and start with a psychologist. Six to twelve free sessions on a Mental Health Care Plan.
Update your will. Update beneficiary nominations on super and life insurance (talk to your lawyer about timing).
Set up a co-parenting calendar.

What not to do, ever

Don't hide assets.
Don't run up the joint credit card.
Don't withdraw large amounts of cash.
Don't bring a new partner into the kids' world inside the first 12 months. Not even introductions.
Don't bad-mouth her to the kids. Not implicitly, not explicitly, not "for context".
Don't try to do this alone without legal advice. The lawyer's fee is the cheapest line item in your divorce.
Don't refuse to communicate. Silence becomes an evidentiary problem in any contested matter.
Don't sign anything she's drafted without your lawyer reading it.

The real principle

The 90 days before separation are spent quietly, calmly, building a foundation. The 90 days after separation are spent reactively, exhaustingly, on top of that foundation. The blokes who survive divorce well are the ones who used their pre-separation window to do the boring work.

Decide. Document. Move.

Written by Robin Leonard · April 2026