The app question

The first profile photo I put on Hinge was a group shot from a wedding, three blokes in suits, me on the left with sunglasses on. I genuinely thought it was a flattering picture. I got two likes in a week and one of them was from a bot. A mate took one look and said, "She can't see your face, she can't tell which one you are, and you look like you're at a stag do." I took it down. The next week, with a single solo photo of me at a friend's bbq, smiling, looking at the camera, I had eleven matches.

The apps are not a personality test. They are a sorting mechanism with brutal first-pass rules.

Which app, and why it matters at 40+

In Australia, for men 35-55 looking for something serious-ish:

• Hinge. Best ratio of intent to noise for adults. The format forces a profile that's actually a profile. The women on it are, on average, looking for relationships, not hookups.
• Bumble. Works. The "women message first" mechanic means you wait, but the quality of opening message tends to be higher.
• Tinder. Younger and more transactional at any given age band. If you're over 40 and want a relationship, it's a long way down the list.

Pick two. Hinge plus one. Don't bounce between five.

The profile, brutally

Photos, in order:

• First photo: a clear, recent, solo headshot of your actual face. Not sunglasses. Not a hat. Eyes visible, slight smile, taken in the last six months.
• Second photo: full body, doing something, in colour and in focus.
• Third photo: with friends, or in a setting.
• Fourth photo: something specific about your life. The motorbike, the dog, the kitchen mid-cook.
• Fifth and sixth, optional.

What to skip without exception:

• Group shots in lead.
• Mirror selfies in the bathroom.
• Photos with kids whose faces are visible.
• Photos with an ex cropped out.
• The "harem" photo.
• Filters.
• Fish. Just don't.

Prompts: Hinge gives you three.

• One that's specific and slightly funny about real life.
• One that gives her a hook to message about.
• One that's quietly honest about what you want.

Avoid the bait of being relentlessly funny. One funny prompt is charming. Three is exhausting.

The conversation, into a date or not at all

The single most common mistake men make on the apps at 40+: they have a six-week pen pal correspondence and never meet up.

The correct pace, roughly:

• Messages 1-3: establish you can both write a sentence.
• Messages 4-6: propose a meet. Coffee, a walk, a drink. A specific day.
• If you're past message ten and haven't met: something's off.

Two principles:

Specifics beat sweepingness. "What's your favourite Sunday morning routine?" beats "tell me about yourself."

Don't try to win. Banter is fine. Aggressive banter, sarcasm-as-flirting, neg-style teasing — none of it lands at 40.

A note on what the apps cost you

Two hours a week, give or take, if you do it well. Set a daily window. Twenty minutes after dinner. Open the app, swipe with attention, send messages to people you'd actually meet, propose dates with the ones who've clearly read your profile. Close it. Don't doom-scroll it on the toilet at 11pm.

The apps are a tool, not the project.

Get the photo right. Propose the date by message six. Close the app at 9.