Meeting women through life

The woman I dated longest after my marriage I met at a friend's 40th. We were both there because the host was a mutual friend; we'd both said yes to a Saturday lunch in a backyard with twelve other people. We talked at the cheese plate for forty minutes about nothing in particular. None of that involved an app, and looking back, almost none of the relationships I've watched my mates start in their forties did either.

The apps work. They are also, for most men 40+, the worst-performing channel they'll use, and the one they over-invest in.

Why "through life" beats apps for men 40+

• Pre-vetting. A friend introduces you because she thinks you'd get on. None of that's happening on Hinge.
• Lower pressure. A coffee that started as a stretch after a Saturday morning run is not a date until one of you decides it is.
• You're seen in your habitat. On the apps, she sees five photos and three sentences. At the gym, she's seen you for three months: how you treat the front desk, whether you put your weights back.

Apps are good at expanding the pool. Real life is good at filtering it.

The four channels

1. Friend-of-a-friend. The single highest-yield channel and the most underused.

The way to ask, with friends you trust:

"Hey, you know I'm dating again. If you ever think of someone single in your circle who you reckon I'd get on with, I'd love an intro. Doesn't have to be a setup; a Saturday lunch with both of us there is enough."

Specific. Low-pressure. Easy to say yes to.

2. The gym, the run club, the swim squad.

Two rules:

• Don't make the gym the place where women have to manage you. No approaching mid-set. No staring. No "your form is great" comments.
• Coffee after the run is the move. Run clubs almost always have a post-run coffee. Go to it. Talk to people, not just the woman you noticed.

3. Dinner parties, hobby classes, evening courses.

Anywhere there's a small group, repeated meetings, and a structured reason to be there. Cooking classes, language classes, choir, book clubs.

If your current hobbies are all-male and you'd like to date more, add one. One a week. Pick something you'd find interesting at 60.

4. The work-adjacent introduction.

Not your direct workplace. The conference, the industry lunch, the cross-organisation project, the fundraiser.

What "make yourself available" actually looks like

The actual instruction is dull: leave the house on weeknights and weekends. The men I know who met someone in their forties through real life all had one thing in common — they were out three or four times a week doing things that weren't drinking with the same six mates.

You're not optimising for dating in that schedule. You're living a life with women in it.

The "set me up" conversation

Pick a moment that isn't loaded. A normal beer. Say something like:

"Listen, you know I'm single again. If you and [partner] ever think of someone you reckon I'd be good with, I'd really value the heads-up. I'm not in a rush. Just bear me in mind."

That's it. Don't follow up monthly. Once a year, mention you're still single.

What this isn't

This isn't networking. It isn't running game in disguise. It's the quiet position that you'd like to meet someone, that you're not desperate, that you're available, and that you're going to live a life that has women in it whether or not you're dating one.

Show up. Stay for the coffee. Let the friends do their friend thing.