The money conversation

The first week after we separated, I sat at the kitchen table with two laptops open and a stack of statements that turned out to be older than my youngest, and I tried to work out what we owned, what we owed, and which of it was actually mine. It took six hours. I was wrong about three things. None of them in my favour.

Money is the place where good separations turn ugly fastest. Not because either of you is bad. Because money is the most measurable thing in a house full of unmeasurable losses, and the temptation to grab some of it is enormous. This module is the calm version of that conversation.

The starting position under Australian law

The day you separate, both of you still have the same legal rights to the money you had the day before. Joint accounts are still joint. Either of you can withdraw from them. Either of you can also do real damage doing so.

A few things to understand from the start:

• Separation does not automatically freeze anything. Your bank does not know you have separated. Your accounts continue to operate exactly as they did.
• Property settlement is decided on the asset pool at the date of settlement, not the date of separation. Money you spend now is still part of the calculation later. Money she spends now is too.
• Wasting marital assets ("notional add-back") can be undone. If one of you blows $40k on a new car or a holiday or a lawyer's retainer in the first month, a court can add that money back to the pool and treat it as if it had been received by the spender. So no, you cannot quietly drain the offset account into a new ute.
• Super is part of the property pool. Both of yours. It can be split.
• Hiding assets is not just unwise. It is illegal. Failure to disclose under the Family Law Act is a serious matter. Don't.

The three rules for the next 30 days

If you remember nothing else from this module, remember these three.

Rule one: Document everything as it stands today.

Within the first week, take a snapshot of every account, asset, and debt as it stands the day you separated.

• Download statements (PDF, not screenshots) for every joint and individual account.
• Photograph or download the latest super balance for both of you, if you have access.
• Note the mortgage balance on separation day.
• List credit cards, personal loans, BNPL accounts, ATO debts.
• Note the make, model, and rough value of vehicles.
• If you own a business, snapshot the latest BAS, P&L, and balance sheet.

This is not paranoia. This is the disclosure file you will need in 6-12 weeks anyway. Doing it now, while access is easy, is much easier than doing it after one of you has changed the passwords.

Rule two: Spend only on the necessary, and at the same rate as before.

The court will look at how money was spent in the months after separation. The rule of thumb: if you would have spent it last month while still together, spend it this month. If you would not have, don't.

Necessary: mortgage, rent, utilities, groceries, school fees, insurance, fuel, kids' activities, your existing direct debits.

Not necessary: a new bike, a holiday, a new car, a $5k legal retainer paid from the joint account, a "treat yourself" weekend in Byron, anything for a new partner. Especially that last one.

If you genuinely need to make a large purchase, write to her (email, not text) and propose it. "I need to buy a second-hand car for $X because I can no longer use the family car for the kids' Tuesday pickup. Are you okay with that coming from the joint account, or should I pay from my account and we square it up at settlement?" That email is worth more than the $20k itself.

Rule three: Don't punish her financially. Don't let her punish you.

The temptation to play silly games with money is real. Don't.

Things not to do:

• Cancel her credit card without warning her.
• Move the offset account balance into your sole name overnight.
• Stop paying the mortgage to "see what happens".
• Lock her out of the online banking.
• Move money to your parents or a mate "for safekeeping".
• Empty the joint account into your sole account.

Every single one of these will be reversed by a court, will cost you in the settlement, and will turn a workable separation into a war. Some of them will get you a letter from her lawyer within a fortnight.

If she does any of the above to you: do not retaliate. Email her lawyer (or yours) within 24 hours, calmly, with a record of what happened. The legal system handles this. Your retaliation does not.

Joint accounts: what to actually do

The standard sequence in the first 30 days:

• Week one: do nothing structural. Snapshot only.
• Week two: have a calm conversation (or exchange of emails) about how the joint account will operate going forward. Will both salaries still go in? Will mortgage and bills continue from there? Will you each open separate accounts for personal spending?
• Week three: if you both agree, change the joint account to "two-to-sign" so neither of you can move large sums alone. Most banks will do this. It protects both of you.
• Week four: each of you opens (or already has) a personal account for any money that is yours alone. Salary continues to the joint account for shared expenses; transfers go to personal accounts.

If you cannot agree, your lawyer will write to her lawyer to propose interim financial arrangements. That is a normal early step. It is not aggressive.

The mortgage

Both names on the mortgage means both of you remain liable to the bank for the full amount, regardless of who lives in the house. The bank does not care that you have separated. They want their payment.

• Keep paying it. If she is in the house and you have moved out, you may still need to contribute until property settlement is sorted, depending on the situation. Your lawyer will tell you.
• Tell the bank you have separated. They have a hardship team. They have seen this 10,000 times. Sometimes they will allow interest-only for a period, or pause repayments. Ask early.
• Do not redraw the offset account to a personal account. This is the single most common mistake and the one that gets letters written.
• Refinancing into one name happens much later, after property settlement is agreed. Don't try to do it now.

Superannuation

Super is property under the Family Law Act. It can be split.

• Both of your super balances form part of the asset pool.
• A super splitting order can move some of one super balance to the other, without either of you being able to access the cash now.
• This often becomes the largest single asset for couples without a paid-off house.
• Get your super statements early. Both of you. Your lawyer will need them.

Credit cards and shared debts

• Joint credit cards: both of you are liable for the full balance, no matter who spent it. Don't add new charges. Discuss closing the card or freezing it.
• Cards in one name with the other as additional cardholder: only the primary holder is liable, but additional charges are not your friend in a settlement.
• BNPL (Afterpay, Zip): same logic. Don't open new ones.
• ATO debts, HECS: stay on whoever owes them. They don't get split.

Tax

Two quick things.

• Tell your accountant. Your tax position is about to change. PAYG instalments, Medicare levy, family tax benefits, child support: all of it shifts.
• Centrelink. If your income drops or you become a single parent for any portion of the week, you may be entitled to family tax benefits, single parent payment, or rent assistance. Check. Apply. The waiting period can be long.

What "freezing" actually means

You will hear the word "freeze" a lot. It usually means one of three things:

• Bank-level freeze (two-to-sign on a joint account, or a hold on a specific account). Done by phone with the bank, with both signatures.
• Caveat on a property (lodged with the state land titles office). Stops the property being sold or refinanced without notice. Usually done by a lawyer.
• Court orders for non-disposal of assets. Done if one of you is genuinely about to do something dramatic. Rare in the first 30 days.

You probably do not need any of these in week one. Most separations work without any of them.

The conversation itself

Sit down. Or exchange three emails. Either way, the conversation has a shape:

• Here is what we have. (Pool snapshot.)
• Here is what we still need to find out. (Disclosure gaps.)
• Here is how we will run the money for the next month. (Joint account, mortgage, bills.)
• Here is what we will not do without telling each other. (Big purchases, account changes, redraws.)
• Here is when we will revisit this. (4 weeks from today.)

Write it down. Both of you sign it (an email confirming is fine). It is not legally binding but it stops 80% of the fights.

A closing note

Money in a separation is not a competition. Whatever you "win" by being clever in the first 30 days, you will pay back in legal fees and bitterness over the next two years. Whatever you lose by being slow and decent, you will get back tenfold in how the rest of it goes.

Snapshot it. Spend like you would have. Hide nothing.

Further watching

• Here's How Assets Are Divided in Divorce (Explained in 11 Mins) — John Bui, JB Solicitors (11:20)
• Lawyer Explains 6 Steps To File For Divorce in Australia — John Bui, JB Solicitors (11:25)