Telling the people in your life

The first person I told outside the house was my brother. I called him from my car, parked at a Bunnings I had no reason to be at, on a Tuesday afternoon. I got two sentences out and then I couldn't speak for about ninety seconds. He waited. When I finally got the rest of it out, all he said was "right. I'm coming up on Saturday." And he did.

The way you tell people will shape the support you get for the next year. Tell the wrong people first, or tell the right people the wrong way, and you spend six months fielding versions of the news that have already mutated.

This module is about who to tell, in what order, and what to actually say.

The order matters

Tell people in roughly this order. Not because some matter more, but because the support compounds.

• One trusted sibling or your closest mate (one person, week one).
• Both parents (yours, then hers if she agrees, week one or two).
• A small inner circle of 3-5 close friends (week two or three).
• Your boss (when you can name what you actually need from them).
• The wider circle of friends, colleagues, neighbours (when you are ready).
• Social media (much later, if at all).

Tell the people whose response will help you. Delay the ones whose response will cost you energy.

Telling your parents

Tell them in person if you can. If you cannot, on the phone. Not by text. Not over Zoom unless there is no other option.

The script:

"Mum, Dad, I need to tell you something and I want you to just listen first. [Partner] and I have separated. It is real, it is recent, and we are working out what happens next. The kids know. We are not telling people widely yet, so please keep it to yourselves. I am okay. I am not great, but I am okay. I am not asking you to fix anything. I am telling you because you are my parents."

Then stop talking. They will probably do one of three things:

• Be brilliant. (Lucky.)
• Try to fix it. ("Have you thought about counselling?") Steer them off. "I appreciate that. What I need from you is to know you've got me, not solutions."
• Make it about them. ("We loved her like a daughter.") This is grief, badly expressed. Be patient. Set a follow-up call for the weekend.

If your parents are likely to be a problem (drinking, dramatic, prone to ringing her), tell them last in your inner circle, not first.

Telling your siblings

Siblings are the people who show up the fastest and ask for the least. If you have a brother or sister you trust, tell them within the first week.

"I need to tell you something. [Partner] and I have separated. It is real. I am in shit shape but I am safe. I do not need advice. I do need to be able to call you when I'm not okay. Can I do that?"

Most siblings will say yes immediately. Then ask: what do you actually need? Specific asks land better than "any support would be great". ("Can you take the kids for a Saturday in three weeks?" "Can I sleep at yours next Wednesday?")

Telling your closest mates

Your inner circle of mates (3-5 people, the ones who would help you move house at 2am) get told in week two or three. Not before. The reason for the delay is bandwidth. You cannot have the same gutting conversation thirty times in a fortnight without it grinding you down.

Tell them one at a time, in person or by phone. Group chats are for logistics, not for this.

"Mate, I need to tell you something. [Partner] and I have separated. It happened a couple of weeks ago. I am dealing with it. I'd love a beer or a walk in the next week if you have time. Don't worry about saying the right thing. There isn't one."

The "don't worry about saying the right thing" line matters. It releases them from finding profound words and frees them to just be there.

A note on which mates: tell the friends you have, not the friends you wish you had. The mate who has never been good at the heavy stuff is not going to suddenly become great at it because you are in trouble.

Telling her family

In a clean separation, you let her tell her own family. Do not call her parents to "explain your side" in the first month.

If you had a particularly close relationship with her parents, two or three weeks in, send a short message:

"Hi [name]. I imagine [partner] has told you our news. I just wanted to say I have a lot of respect for both of you, I am sorry for what this means for our wider family, and I will always be respectful in how I talk about [partner]. Thinking of you both."

Send it once, then leave it alone.

Telling your boss

The instinct is either to say nothing (the stoic mistake) or to over-share (the relief mistake). Neither works. Tell your boss when you can name what you actually need.

Wait until week two or three. Ask for a 15-minute private chat.

"I wanted to let you know that my partner and I have recently separated. I am not asking for anything dramatic. I wanted you to know because I may not be at 100% for a few months, and there will be days where I need flexibility for kids, lawyers, or housing logistics. I will give you as much notice as I can. I want to keep performing. I will tell you if I am struggling."

That's it. No detail. No oversharing. No tears (if you can help it). Most decent bosses respond well.

A few practical things to know:

• In Australia, you may be entitled to flexible working arrangements and to family or carer's leave for appointments related to the separation, particularly where children are involved.
• Family and Domestic Violence Leave is available in some circumstances. If it applies, use it.
• You do not have to disclose a separation to your employer. For most office jobs, a brief heads-up makes the next six months go better.

Colleagues, the wider circle, and the question

Don't make announcements. Tell people as it comes up, briefly.

"Just so you know, [partner] and I separated a couple of months ago. All civil, kids are good, we're working it out."

When people ask "what happened?", use one short sentence and use it every time:

• "We grew in different directions over a long time."
• "We had a long conversation and decided this was the right thing for both of us."
• "It's been coming for a while. We're handling it as well as we can."

Then change the subject. Most people are not asking for the story. They are asking for permission to know without being intrusive.

Social media

Don't.

If you must, wait six months and post the most boring possible thing once. Specifically don't post anything emotive, change your profile picture to a single-person photo with new energy, or post the new flat or gym progress in the first three months. The internet is forever. The kids will see it eventually.

A closing note

Telling people will exhaust you. Each conversation costs something. Pace yourself. Tell the people who help you first. Save the energy of telling the ones who don't help you for when you have it to spare.

Tell who matters. Say less. Move on.

Further watching

• Your Brain on Heartbreak: The Neuroscience of Letting Go — Dr. Maika Steinborn (12:25)
• If You Can't Move On After a Breakup This Is Exactly What I'd Tell You to Do — Jay Shetty Podcast (24:47)