Telling the kids

My oldest was seven when we told her. She was sitting on the rug between us with a half-eaten Anzac biscuit in her hand, and when we got to the actual sentence she didn't cry. She just looked at the biscuit and said "okay." Then she got up, walked to her bedroom, closed the door, and screamed once. Just once. Then silence for an hour.

I think about that scream a lot.

Telling your kids is the conversation you will rehearse the most and remember the longest. There is no version of it that doesn't hurt. There is, however, a version that hurts less and damages less. This module is about that version.

▶ Watch — How to tell your children about divorce and separation — amicable (Sara Davison & Rhiannon Ford) (25:57)

Before the conversation: agree the script

You and their mother need to be in the same room for this conversation. Not on a video call. Not one parent first then the other. Both of you, together, on the same day. The kids need to see that the two adults responsible for them can still sit on the same couch and say the same words.

Before you sit them down, you and she need to agree on:

The exact opening sentence. ("Mum and Dad have decided we are going to live in two houses for a while.")
What you will say about why. (Almost nothing. See below.)
What changes immediately and what doesn't. (School, friends, dog, weekend sport: all the same. Bedrooms, holidays, Christmas: to be worked out.)
Who moves out, when, and where to. (Not vague. Specific address if you have one.)
What you will NOT say. (Whose fault, anyone else involved, the word "divorce" if you haven't filed, anything about money.)

If you cannot agree on a script with her, do not have the conversation yet. Two parents saying different things in the same hour is worse than waiting a week.

What to say, by age

The script changes by age, but the core message is the same: this is a decision the adults made, it is not their fault, both parents still love them, the practical things that matter to them will be worked out.

Toddlers and preschool (2-5)

Keep it to two sentences and a cuddle. They will not understand "separation". They will understand "Daddy is going to live in a different house and you will see him lots." Repeat it for weeks. They will ask the same question fifty times. Answer it the same way fifty times.

Primary school (6-11)

This is the hardest age, because they understand enough to be scared and not enough to process it. They will want specifics: which house, which days, what about the dog, what about my birthday. Have answers, even if the answers are "we are still working that out, but you will know by Friday."

Things that work at this age:

A simple visual. Draw two houses. Show how their week looks.
A clear "no" to the questions they're really asking. ("No, we are not moving schools. No, you are not losing the dog. No, this is not because of anything you did.")
A small ritual that bridges both houses. The same toothbrush. A favourite jumper that travels. A bedtime call at 7pm on the nights they're not with you.

Tweens (11-13)

They will go quiet. They will say "okay" and disappear into their room. Do not chase them in the first hour. Knock at bedtime and sit on the end of the bed. Most of the real conversation will happen in the dark, sideways, while you are not looking at each other.

Teenagers (14+)

They will ask the hard questions. "Is there someone else?" "Did you cheat?" "Whose fault is it?"

Answer briefly and honestly without detail. "There is a lot we are not going to share with you, because it is between us, but no, this is not because of anything you did, and we both still want you in both houses." Lying to a teenager about the basics will cost you their trust for years. Over-sharing the adult details will cost them their childhood. Walk the line.

What NOT to say

Some of these are obvious. Some I have heard friends say in good faith and watched it land badly.

"Mum and I don't love each other anymore." (Confusing. They will then wonder if you can stop loving them too.)
"It's complicated." (They are children. They will fill in the blanks themselves, and the blanks are usually worse than the truth.)
Anything that pins blame on the other parent. Even softly. Even "Mum decided this." Especially that.
"Nothing is going to change." (It will. They know it will. Don't lie.)
"We tried everything." (They will hear: even staying together for me wasn't worth it.)
The name of any new person. Ever. Not in the first six months. Not even if they ask.
Promises about the future you cannot keep. ("You'll have your own room at Dad's by Christmas." Maybe. Maybe not. Don't promise.)

When they cry

They will cry. Or they won't, which is sometimes worse.

If they cry: don't fix it, don't shush it, don't promise it will be fine. Sit close. Put a hand on their back. Let them cry for as long as they need to. Crying is the body processing what the mind can't yet say. The job is to be present, not to make it stop.

If they go silent: don't push. Tell them you love them, you are not going anywhere, and you will be in the next room when they want to talk. Then go and be in the next room. Do not hover at the door.

If they get angry, especially at you: take it. Don't defend. Don't explain. "I hear you. I am sorry this is happening. I am not going anywhere." Repeat as needed.

If one of them seems fine: they are not fine. They are managing. Check in with them in three days, in two weeks, in a month. Sometimes the kid who held it together on the day is the one who falls apart in May.

The week after

The conversation is not the conversation. The conversation is the next 30 days of small conversations.

Keep their routine identical for the first two weeks. Same school, same sport, same Friday pizza.
Tell their school by email within 48 hours, briefly. ("Just so you know, [child]'s mother and I have separated. No drama, but please flag if you see anything change.") Teachers are good at watching for what you can't see.
Do not interrogate them about how the other house is. Ask open questions. ("How was your week?") Wait for what they offer.
Have a phone call or a text every single day on the days you don't have them. Short. "Just thinking of you. Love you. See you Friday." That's it.

The thing you need to hear

You did not break your kids by separating. You can break them by how you do it from here.

The number one predictor of how kids do in the long run after their parents split is not whether the parents stay together. It is whether the parents fight in front of them, slag each other off, and use them as messengers. Don't do those three things and your kids will be okay.

Be honest. Be brief. Be there.