Telling the kids
How to have the conversation with kids of any age, what not to say, and what to do when they cry or go silent.
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How to have the conversation with kids of any age, what not to say, and what to do when they cry or go silent.
My oldest was seven when we told her. She was sitting on the rug between us with a half-eaten Anzac biscuit in her hand, and when we got to the actual sentence she didn't cry. She just looked at the biscuit and said "okay." Then she got up, walked to her bedroom, closed the door, and screamed once. Just once. Then silence for an hour.
I think about that scream a lot.
Telling your kids is the conversation you will rehearse the most and remember the longest. There is no version of it that doesn't hurt. There is, however, a version that hurts less and damages less. This module is about that version.
You and their mother need to be in the same room for this conversation. Not on a video call. Not one parent first then the other. Both of you, together, on the same day. The kids need to see that the two adults responsible for them can still sit on the same couch and say the same words.
Before you sit them down, you and she need to agree on:
If you cannot agree on a script with her, do not have the conversation yet. Two parents saying different things in the same hour is worse than waiting a week.
The script changes by age, but the core message is the same: this is a decision the adults made, it is not their fault, both parents still love them, the practical things that matter to them will be worked out.
Toddlers and preschool (2-5)
Keep it to two sentences and a cuddle. They will not understand "separation". They will understand "Daddy is going to live in a different house and you will see him lots." Repeat it for weeks. They will ask the same question fifty times. Answer it the same way fifty times.
Primary school (6-11)
This is the hardest age, because they understand enough to be scared and not enough to process it. They will want specifics: which house, which days, what about the dog, what about my birthday. Have answers, even if the answers are "we are still working that out, but you will know by Friday."
Things that work at this age:
Tweens (11-13)
They will go quiet. They will say "okay" and disappear into their room. Do not chase them in the first hour. Knock at bedtime and sit on the end of the bed. Most of the real conversation will happen in the dark, sideways, while you are not looking at each other.
Teenagers (14+)
They will ask the hard questions. "Is there someone else?" "Did you cheat?" "Whose fault is it?"
Answer briefly and honestly without detail. "There is a lot we are not going to share with you, because it is between us, but no, this is not because of anything you did, and we both still want you in both houses." Lying to a teenager about the basics will cost you their trust for years. Over-sharing the adult details will cost them their childhood. Walk the line.
Some of these are obvious. Some I have heard friends say in good faith and watched it land badly.
They will cry. Or they won't, which is sometimes worse.
If they cry: don't fix it, don't shush it, don't promise it will be fine. Sit close. Put a hand on their back. Let them cry for as long as they need to. Crying is the body processing what the mind can't yet say. The job is to be present, not to make it stop.
If they go silent: don't push. Tell them you love them, you are not going anywhere, and you will be in the next room when they want to talk. Then go and be in the next room. Do not hover at the door.
If they get angry, especially at you: take it. Don't defend. Don't explain. "I hear you. I am sorry this is happening. I am not going anywhere." Repeat as needed.
If one of them seems fine: they are not fine. They are managing. Check in with them in three days, in two weeks, in a month. Sometimes the kid who held it together on the day is the one who falls apart in May.
The conversation is not the conversation. The conversation is the next 30 days of small conversations.
You did not break your kids by separating. You can break them by how you do it from here.
The number one predictor of how kids do in the long run after their parents split is not whether the parents stay together. It is whether the parents fight in front of them, slag each other off, and use them as messengers. Don't do those three things and your kids will be okay.
Be honest. Be brief. Be there.
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