Getting out of the house

The first night I slept somewhere that wasn't my own bed, I lay on a friend's pull-out couch in a spare room that smelled faintly of his daughter's old swimming kit, and I stared at a ceiling fan I'd never seen before. I was 41 years old and I had nowhere of my own to be.

This module is about that night. And the practical week around it.

The decision about who moves out, when, and how is one of the first big-and-irreversible decisions on the table. It will shape the next six months of the legal process, the kids' adjustment, and your own mental state. Get it wrong and you spend a year trying to undo it. Get it right (which mostly means slow, agreed, and witnessed) and the rest gets easier.

First, the legal frame

Under Australian family law, neither of you can force the other out of the family home unless there is a violence order in place. The home is jointly occupied regardless of whose name is on the title or the lease. Walking out does not forfeit your share of the property. Staying does not increase it.

What it does affect:

• The kids' day-to-day routine, which becomes the baseline a court will look at.
• Your access to your own things, your dog, your garage.
• The cost of running two households, which starts the day someone moves.
• The emotional temperature, which usually drops once you are not sharing a bed with someone who has just told you it is over.

There is no legally "right" answer about who moves. There is only a practical one for your situation.

Who should move, and when

The right answer depends on three things: the kids, the money, and the temperature in the house.

• If the kids are young and stable: the parent who is not the primary carer usually moves, at least initially. Disrupting the kids' bedrooms in week one makes everything worse.
• If money is tight: the cheaper move wins. If one of you can stay with family for nothing while the other rents a flat, the family-stay person moves.
• If the temperature is dangerous: leave. Anything (a mate's couch, a Travelodge, your sister's spare room) beats a house where it has stopped being safe to be in the same room.

If she is the one who has asked for the separation, do not assume she should be the one to move. In most Australian separations the man moves out, often because he feels he should. That instinct is not always right, and it is worth a real conversation (not a fight) about who actually goes.

Where to stay short-term

You need somewhere for the first 4-12 weeks. Not forever. Just long enough to get your head straight and find something proper.

Options, ranked by how badly they tend to go:

• A mate's spare room. Best of the lot if the mate is genuinely fine with it and the kids can visit. Set a 4-week check-in with him so neither of you is awkward about how long it has been.
• Your parents or a sibling. Free, usually safe, often emotionally complicated. Avoid if your mum is going to cry every time you walk in.
• A short-stay rental (4-week minimum). Costs more than you want to pay. Worth it for the door that locks.
• A hotel or motel for the first few nights. Fine for week one. Brutal for week three.
• Sleeping in your car or at the office. Don't. Even for one night. There is always a friend who will say yes if you actually ask.

A note on the kids visiting: wherever you land, it needs to be a place where they can come, eat dinner, sleep over if they're old enough. If your couch is in someone's lounge room and there is nowhere private for them, the kids will read it as you having lost. Find a place where you can shut a door.

What to take in the first week

Don't try to move out properly. You are not moving out properly. You are leaving for a few weeks while the dust settles.

Take:

• Two weeks of clothes, including gym kit and one decent shirt.
• All your ID documents (passport, licence, Medicare card, birth certificate, super statements).
• The laptop and chargers.
• Any prescription medication, plus a script repeat if you can.
• Your toothbrush, razor, the things you use every morning.
• Sentimental items only if they are small and would genuinely hurt to lose (the photo of your dad, the watch, the kids' first hospital tags). Leave the rest.
• A copy (digital or paper) of the last 12 months of bank statements, the mortgage statement, the most recent tax return, and the super statement. Not because you are planning anything. Because you will need them in six weeks and you do not want to ask.

Leave:

• Furniture. All of it.
• The car, if there is more than one. Take the one you usually drive.
• The kids' things. They stay in the kids' rooms.
• The dog, unless it has been agreed otherwise. Dogs become hostages in separations and you do not want to start there.
• Any joint-purchase items (the espresso machine, the bike on the wall). Argue about them in three months when nobody cares.

How to leave the house on the day

This sounds small. It is not.

• Tell her the day before, not on the morning. Give her time to be elsewhere if she wants to be.
• Take a friend or your brother with you to physically carry things. Not a new partner. Not anyone she has issues with. A neutral body.
• Walk through each room before you leave. Take photos of the state of the house. Not for a court case (probably). For your own memory in a year when you are trying to remember what was where.
• Leave a note with your new address, your phone (which she has) and an email. Even if she is furious. Even if she doesn't read it.
• Do not slam the door. The neighbours are watching and the kids will hear about it.

The first night somewhere else

It will be the worst night you have had in a long time.

Eat something. Don't drink. Text one person to say you're safe. Set an alarm for the morning so you have a reason to get up. Sleep in your own t-shirt, not a borrowed one. Small thing. Matters.

In the morning, make the bed. Even if it is a couch. Especially if it is a couch.

You are not homeless. You are between houses. The difference is mostly in how you carry it.

Pack light. Move once. Stay reachable.

Further watching

• Lawyer Explains 6 Steps To File For Divorce in Australia — John Bui, JB Solicitors (11:25)
• Psychologist On Why The Initiator Of The Breakup Comes Back — Dr. Maika Steinborn (11:26)