The first six weeks

Day four was the hardest. Not day one, not day two. Day four, when the adrenaline ran out and the milk came in and we both understood, properly, that this was not a visit. He was staying.

The first six weeks are a tunnel. You go in one person and come out another. The tunnel has no clock and no windows. You eat when you can and sleep when she does and the days lose their names.

Here is the shape of it.

The first week

The first week is a haze. Friends will visit. They will bring food, which is helpful, and opinions, which are not. Limit visits to thirty minutes. Do not host. You are not entertaining. You are surviving.

In the first week:

• Baby will lose up to ten percent of birth weight. This is normal.
• Feeding will be hard, regardless of whether it is breast or bottle.
• She will cry on day three or four. Hormones drop. This is normal too.
• You will exist in two-hour blocks. Sleep, feed, change, repeat.

Your main jobs in week one:

• Bring her water every time she feeds (she will be constantly thirsty)
• Make food she can eat with one hand
• Do every nappy change you are awake for
• Manage the visitors (be the bouncer, politely)
• Take baby for an hour each afternoon so she can shower and sleep

This is the week most men feel useless. You are not useless. You are the infrastructure. She is doing the impossible thing. You are making the impossible thing slightly less impossible.

Feeding, whichever way

If she is breastfeeding, your role is logistics. Water, food, pillows, snacks, podcast in her ear at 3am. You are not feeding the baby but you are absolutely part of the feed.

If she is bottle-feeding, formula or expressed, you are on the rotation. Half the feeds are yours. This is non-negotiable in our house and I would suggest it in yours.

If she is combo-feeding (both), you take the bottle feeds and she takes the breast feeds, and you split the night based on what is sustainable.

Things to know:

• Breastfeeding hurts at the start, even when done correctly. This usually settles by week three.
• Mastitis is a fever and a hot lump in the breast. It needs a GP same-day.
• Formula is not a failure. Some women cannot breastfeed and the cultural pressure is brutal. Back her up.
• The Australian Breastfeeding Association helpline runs 24/7 and is free. Save the number.

The 4am rotation

The 4am feed is the one that breaks people. You are at the bottom of your sleep curve. Baby is wide awake. The house is silent and the world feels far away.

What works:

• Pre-agree the rotation. One of you does the 11pm-3am block, the other does 3am-7am. Swap each night, or each week, whatever suits.
• Sleep in separate rooms during the off-block if you can. Earplugs and a closed door beat the urge to 'help'.
• Do not check your phone during a night feed. The blue light wrecks your re-sleep.
• Keep a kettle and snack stash near where the feeding happens.

If you are working, the temptation is to claim you cannot do nights. Resist this. Do at least three nights a week, more on weekends. The damage of being the only one not sleeping in a marriage takes years to repair. The damage of being a tired worker takes a coffee.

What is yours, what is hers

There is no fixed list. Bodies are different, recoveries are different, feeding choices are different. But there is a principle.

She is recovering from a major physical event. For six weeks (or twelve, or longer if it was a caesarean or a tear), her body is healing. Her hormones are doing extraordinary things. She is producing food, possibly, with her own body.

You are not recovering. You are tired, but you are not injured.

So:

• All cooking is yours, unless she wants to.
• All cleaning is yours, unless she wants to.
• All admin (bills, appointments, replies to family) is yours, unless she wants to.
• All non-feeding baby tasks (bath, change, settle, walk, dress) you do at least half of.
• All night feeds you do at least a third of.

If she is breastfeeding through the night, your job is the daytime stretches and everything that is not the feed.

Settling and sleep

Newborns do not sleep in blocks longer than three hours, often shorter. This is biological, not a parenting failure. They will not sleep through the night for months. Anyone who tells you their baby slept through at six weeks is either lying or has a unicorn. Mostly lying.

What helps:

• White noise (a fan, an app, a small speaker)
• Swaddling (with a wrap, snugly, until they roll)
• A dark room for night, light room for day (it teaches the difference)
• The five S's (swaddle, side-position, shush, swing, suck) work for a lot of babies
• Skin-to-skin on your chest settles babies remarkably well

What does not help:

• Sleep training in the first six weeks (too early)
• Routines that are too rigid (the baby has not read the book)
• Comparing your baby to other babies (every baby is different)

Your body and mind

You will lose weight or gain weight. You will get sick around week three. Your back will hurt from carrying and rocking. Your wrists may develop a kind of tendinitis from holding a small head at an awkward angle for hours.

Watch yourself for:

• More than two beers a night, every night (it slips fast)
• Resenting her or the baby for more than a passing moment
• A flat, grey feeling that lasts a week or more
• Snapping at her over small things

Paternal postnatal depression is real and under-diagnosed. About one in ten new fathers experience it. If it is more than a bad week, talk to your GP. Beyond Blue and PANDA both have free helplines.

The end of the tunnel

Around week six something shifts. Baby starts to smile, properly, not wind. The feeds become predictable. You sleep three hours in a row and wake up feeling like you have slept eight. The fog lifts a little.

You will not remember most of these six weeks clearly. That is the brain protecting you. What you will remember is whether you were there.

Be there. Do the nights. Take the load.

Further watching

• Pediatrician Explains Newborn Baby Basics: Feeding, Safe Sleep, Pooping, Car Seats
• The Complete Guide to Newborns