Three weeks in, my best mate texted to ask if I wanted a beer that Friday. I said no. He did not text again for four months. Neither of us was wrong. Both of us were a bit hurt. That is what these six months do.
A baby does not change your relationships. It exposes them. Whatever was strong gets stronger. Whatever was thin gets thinner. The work is noticing it and naming it before the thin bits snap.
With your partner
The partnership goes through a strange phase. You will love each other and barely see each other. You will sleep next to each other and not have a real conversation for a week. Sex will be off the table for at least six weeks (more if there was a tear or caesarean) and then it will be slow to come back, and that is fine.
Conversations to have in the third trimester, before baby arrives:
- Who does what at night, in principle (you will revise this in practice)
- How long visitors stay and who has veto power (her, mostly)
- What you both want around photos and social media (her body, her call)
- What 'help' from family looks like (helpful vs in-the-way)
- How you both handle disagreement when sleep-deprived (signal words, time-outs)
Conversations to have in the first six weeks:
- Weekly fifteen-minute check-in, not about baby. About each other.
- What is working, what is not. Specifically.
- One thing each of you needs in the next seven days.
- Whether either of you needs to talk to a GP about how you are doing.
Keep these short. Do not turn them into therapy sessions. The point is to keep the channel open, not to solve everything at 10pm on a Tuesday.
Things that wreck couples in this stretch:
- Score-keeping (who did the last three nappies)
- Phone-on-couch (you in the same room, not in the same room)
- Letting resentment build for a week before naming it
- Assuming she knows what you are thinking
- Assuming you know what she is thinking
Things that hold couples together:
- Saying thank you, out loud, every day
- Asking 'what do you need right now' and meaning it
- Doing the thing without being asked (one thing a day, no more than that, do not be a martyr)
- Touching without it meaning sex (a hand on the back, a hug in the kitchen)
- A shared moment of laughter at the absurdity (find one a day)
With your mates
Your mates will fall into three groups.
The first group already has kids. They will text you in week two with practical things. 'Hot tip, the baby bath we used was on Marketplace for $20.' They will not expect you to reply. They are the easiest group.
The second group does not have kids and is in their child-free chapter. They will text you to come out, then stop texting when you say no three times. This is not malicious. They have nothing to add to your current life and you have nothing to add to theirs. Park these friendships gently. They come back.
The third group is somewhere in between, friends who like to see you regularly. These are the ones to actively maintain. A short message every couple of weeks. A 7am coffee on a Saturday when you are up anyway. A walk with the pram. Do not let these slide into the second group out of laziness.
What to say to mates without kids who are trying:
- 'I cannot do nights or late dinners for a few months. Mornings or weekends are easier.'
- 'Come round to mine. I cannot leave but you can come here.'
- 'I want to stay in your life. I just have nothing to give right now. Bear with me.'
If you have a mate who is reliably good in a crisis, tell him the real version. Most men do not have anyone to tell the real version to. This is one of the slow killers of new fathers.
With your parents
Grandparents are a force. Some are useful, some are exhausting, most are both.
Things to set early:
- Visit length and frequency (be specific, 'come for an hour on Saturdays' not 'come whenever')
- What kind of help is useful (cooked food, washing, holding baby for an hour) vs not useful (advice, opinions, rearranging your kitchen)
- Boundaries on photos to wider family (her call, again)
- Whether they are allowed to give baby anything you have not approved (food, dummies, alcohol on gums, 'we did this in our day')
The phrase that works: 'Thanks, we are going to do it this way.' No justification. Repeat as needed.
If your parents or her parents are difficult, this is a stress multiplier in the early weeks. You and your partner need to be a single front. Whichever set of parents is the issue, that person handles it. You handle yours. She handles hers. No exceptions.
With her parents
A particular note. Her mother (or mother-equivalent) often comes to stay for a stretch in the early weeks. This is a tradition in many cultures and a kindness in most cases. It can also be the thing that pushes you sideways, because suddenly you are not the primary support, and you can feel like a guest in your own home.
This is normal. Hold the line on your role. Do the nights. Do the nappies. Do not retreat to the spare room and let the mother-in-law take over. You are the father. The role is yours, and it is one nobody else can do for you.
With yourself
The last relationship to mention. Your relationship with yourself shifts too. The old you is on pause. The new you is being assembled, slowly, with parts you did not know you had.
Do not panic about this. Do not try to hold on too tight to who you were six months ago. He is not gone. He is just in the back room for a while.
Notice. Name. Stay close.
Further watching
- 01A baby does not change relationships. It exposes them. Notice the thin bits early.
- 02Weekly fifteen-minute check-in with your partner, not about baby.
- 03Mates without kids will fall away gently. The good ones come back later.
- 04Grandparents need specific boundaries. Vague welcomes become loud problems fast.
- 05Whichever parents are the issue, that person handles them. No exceptions.
What a baby does to a relationship is: