Relationships, shifting
Partner, mates, parents. The conversations to have early so the cracks do not become canyons.
In progress5 min @ 250 wpm↓ 1,072 words
§ Journey
Partner, mates, parents. The conversations to have early so the cracks do not become canyons.
Three weeks in, my best mate texted to ask if I wanted a beer that Friday. I said no. He did not text again for four months. Neither of us was wrong. Both of us were a bit hurt. That is what these six months do.
A baby does not change your relationships. It exposes them. Whatever was strong gets stronger. Whatever was thin gets thinner. The work is noticing it and naming it before the thin bits snap.
The partnership goes through a strange phase. You will love each other and barely see each other. You will sleep next to each other and not have a real conversation for a week. Sex will be off the table for at least six weeks (more if there was a tear or caesarean) and then it will be slow to come back, and that is fine.
Conversations to have in the third trimester, before baby arrives:
Conversations to have in the first six weeks:
Keep these short. Do not turn them into therapy sessions. The point is to keep the channel open, not to solve everything at 10pm on a Tuesday.
Things that wreck couples in this stretch:
Things that hold couples together:
Your mates will fall into three groups.
The first group already has kids. They will text you in week two with practical things. 'Hot tip, the baby bath we used was on Marketplace for $20.' They will not expect you to reply. They are the easiest group.
The second group does not have kids and is in their child-free chapter. They will text you to come out, then stop texting when you say no three times. This is not malicious. They have nothing to add to your current life and you have nothing to add to theirs. Park these friendships gently. They come back.
The third group is somewhere in between, friends who like to see you regularly. These are the ones to actively maintain. A short message every couple of weeks. A 7am coffee on a Saturday when you are up anyway. A walk with the pram. Do not let these slide into the second group out of laziness.
What to say to mates without kids who are trying:
If you have a mate who is reliably good in a crisis, tell him the real version. Most men do not have anyone to tell the real version to. This is one of the slow killers of new fathers.
Grandparents are a force. Some are useful, some are exhausting, most are both.
Things to set early:
The phrase that works: 'Thanks, we are going to do it this way.' No justification. Repeat as needed.
If your parents or her parents are difficult, this is a stress multiplier in the early weeks. You and your partner need to be a single front. Whichever set of parents is the issue, that person handles it. You handle yours. She handles hers. No exceptions.
A particular note. Her mother (or mother-equivalent) often comes to stay for a stretch in the early weeks. This is a tradition in many cultures and a kindness in most cases. It can also be the thing that pushes you sideways, because suddenly you are not the primary support, and you can feel like a guest in your own home.
This is normal. Hold the line on your role. Do the nights. Do the nappies. Do not retreat to the spare room and let the mother-in-law take over. You are the father. The role is yours, and it is one nobody else can do for you.
The last relationship to mention. Your relationship with yourself shifts too. The old you is on pause. The new you is being assembled, slowly, with parts you did not know you had.
Do not panic about this. Do not try to hold on too tight to who you were six months ago. He is not gone. He is just in the back room for a while.
Notice. Name. Stay close.
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