The day itself

I remember the silence between the contraction starting and her saying the word 'now'. About four seconds. Long enough to put down my coffee. Short enough that I forgot the bag for a second.

The day itself is not what you have rehearsed in your head. There is no soundtrack. There is no slow drive through golden-hour traffic. There is a clipboard, a wristband, and a lot of sitting.

Here is what actually happens.

Arrival

You will be triaged. A midwife will examine your partner, check dilation, check baby's heart rate, and decide whether you stay or go home. About half of first-time parents get sent home from the first visit. This is normal. It does not mean you panicked. It means the process is slow and they want her at home where she is more comfortable.

If you are admitted, you will be moved to a birthing suite. The room will be larger than you expect, with a bed, a bathroom, a chair for you, and a lot of equipment that nobody will explain unless you ask.

Your job in the first hour:

• Put the bag down somewhere out of the way
• Find the kettle and the bathroom
• Ask the midwife what the next checkpoint is (they will tell you)
• Charge your phone
• Sit down

The long middle

Labour has a strange shape. Hours of nothing, then twenty minutes of intensity, then more nothing. You will run out of things to say. That is fine. Your presence is the point, not your conversation.

What you can usefully do during the long stretches:

• Get her water, ice chips, snacks if she is allowed
• Help her change positions (birthing ball, leaning, walking the corridor)
• Massage her lower back during contractions if she wants it
• Time contractions only if asked (the midwife is doing this)
• Be the person who talks to staff so she does not have to

What not to do:

• Tell her to breathe (she is breathing)
• Tell her to relax (she cannot)
• Eat anything with a strong smell in the room
• Show her your phone screen unless she asks
• Make jokes during contractions (between is fine, sometimes)

Pain relief and decisions

She will have made a birth plan. The birth plan is a wishlist, not a contract. Things will change. Epidurals get requested. Inductions get scheduled. Caesareans get called. Your job is to support her decisions in the moment, not to remind her what she said three weeks ago.

If the midwife asks you something and your partner cannot answer, repeat the question to her clearly and let her answer if she can. If she cannot, you answer based on what you both agreed in advance. Do not make new decisions on her behalf without checking.

Transition and pushing

Transition is the bit before pushing. It is short and it is the worst part for her. She may say things she does not mean. She may want you to leave. She may want you closer than you have ever been. Do whatever she asks, do not take any of it personally, and do not try to fix it. There is nothing to fix. It is meant to feel like this.

Pushing can take minutes or hours. The room will fill with people. There will be a paediatric team if there is any concern about baby. Do not panic when more people arrive. It is standard.

Where you stand depends on where she wants you. Some men stand at the head of the bed. Some hold a leg. Some stay back. Ask. Then do that.

What not to film

Do not film the birth itself. Not the pushing, not the crowning, not the moment of delivery. You will think you want this footage. You will not.

What you can film, if she is okay with it:

• The drive to the hospital (briefly)
• The hospital room before things get going
• The first moment baby is on her chest (a still photo, not video)
• The first time you hold baby
• The walk to the car when you leave

A few photos. Not a documentary. Your phone will be in your hand far too much for the next three months. Put it down for the actual birth.

The first hour after

Baby comes out and is placed on her chest, skin-to-skin, if everything is well. This is called the golden hour. The midwife will be around but will mostly leave you alone.

You will feel a wave of something. It might be love. It might be panic. It might be a strange flat nothing. All of these are normal. Men report a delayed bonding response more often than women, partly because you have not been carrying this person for nine months. The bond comes. Give it time.

What you can usefully do:

• Hold baby skin-to-skin yourself if she needs to rest or shower
• Help with the first feed if you can
• Take one good photo of the three of you
• Send the agreed two messages, then put the phone away
• Eat something (you will have forgotten)

Going home

Discharge happens between four hours and four days later, depending on how things went. The car seat is checked. Paperwork is signed. You drive home at twenty kilometres an hour, convinced every other driver is reckless.

The day itself is one day. The work starts now.

Be present. Be quiet. Be ready.

Further watching

• How to Be the Ultimate Birth Partner: Tips from a Birth Doula
• Advice For Partners During Labor: 5 Ways to Help Labour Progress