Couples therapy
What it is, what it isn't, how to find someone, how to know it's working after four sessions.
In progress6 min↓ 663 words
§ Journey
What it is, what it isn't, how to find someone, how to know it's working after four sessions.
The first session, I sat on a couch with my arms folded, and the therapist asked us each to say in two sentences why we'd come. My wife said hers cleanly. I said mine in seven sentences, none of which were the real reason. She came back to that in session three, and I found out the seven-sentence answer had been my entire defensive system summarised under pressure. I'd been carrying it around for fifteen years.
That's couples therapy. It isn't magic. It is the room where the patterns you've been running for two decades become visible.
Three main schools dominate the field:
The school matters less than the person.
Route 1: GP referral. A Mental Health Care Plan covers individual therapy on Medicare, not couples therapy.
Route 2: AAFT directory. aaft.com.au maintains a directory of accredited family and couples therapists.
Route 3: Peer recommendation. The most reliable route.
Route 4: Relationships Australia. Sliding-scale fees, lower cost.
What to look for: five or more years of explicitly couples-focused practice, a named modality, registration with AHPRA, PACFA or ACA.
Avoid: anyone whose website talks about "saving every marriage", anyone offering a fixed five-session "package".
Cadence matters. Weekly or fortnightly. Once a month is too thin.
Total spend over twelve sessions: typically $2,400 to $3,500.
What working looks like:
What it looks like when it isn't working:
If it isn't working at session four to six, change therapist. Don't quit therapy. Quit that therapist.
If she refuses, you have one good option: go alone.
A skilled couples therapist can work with one partner on the relational dynamics. Forty percent of the marriage moves when one person changes the patterns.
The risk: solo work can also clarify, over six months, that the marriage isn't going to change. Some men come out having decided to leave; others having decided to stay with eyes open.
"I want to spend $200 a fortnight, for a few months, on a third person in the room who's trained for this. Not because I think you're wrong. Because I'd rather we figure out what's happening with help than keep guessing."
Find the right person. Show up. Trust the slow work.
A blunt field guide to the first month after the conversation. Sleep, paperwork, the kids, and the part nobody warns you about.
5 minHow to start the talk you've been rehearsing in the shower for six months. A practical guide to the words, the room, the aftermath.
4 minWhen she ends it and you didn't see it coming. The first 72 hours, the stories you'll tell yourself, and what to actually do.
4 minA self-interrogation guide for the man considering ending his marriage. Not advice. Questions. The hard ones, in order.
5 min