Your siblings
The inheritance moment, the family fault lines, how to not destroy the family in the year that follows.
In progress6 min↓ 675 words
§ Journey
The inheritance moment, the family fault lines, how to not destroy the family in the year that follows.
The watch was an Omega from 1972. My father wore it every day for fifty years. After the funeral, my brother picked it up off the dresser without asking and slipped it onto his wrist. He's the eldest. My sister saw it and didn't speak to him for six weeks.
The objects do this. The house does this. The early-life ledger of who-got-more-attention does this.
Common patterns within four weeks:
Most of this is real. Some is grief looking for a target. Both at once.
Money is easier than you'd think. Money can be split with a calculator.
Objects can't. They have meaning.
The conversation to have at week one (not month three):
"Look. There's stuff in the house. Some has meaning to one of us, some to all of us. I want us to do this fairly. Can we agree on a process now, before we get into who gets what?"
The process matters more than the outcome.
Round-robin pick. Everyone lists items they care about. Take turns picking one. Order randomised. After every round, the order reverses.
Auction with monopoly money. Everyone gets the same fictional budget. Auction items inside the family.
Right of first refusal by closeness. Whoever was closest to the parent gets first dibs on items they have a clear connection to.
Sell everything and split. The cleanest. The least sentimental.
The wrong process: nobody decides, everyone takes what they want when they're at the house.
Three common scenarios:
Capital gains tax can apply if it wasn't the principal residence at death. The CGT exemption is two years from death.
If two siblings are stuck and the conversation is starting to involve "my lawyer says", get a family mediator before litigators.
Mediation costs $2,000-$5,000 split between parties. Litigation costs ten times that and takes five times as long.
The objects are split. The house is sold or held. The money is distributed. You and your siblings are still talking. Not the same as before; nothing is. But you're at the funeral of an aunt the next year and you stand together and you are still a unit.
That's the win. It's not "fair", because no division of meaning is fair. It's "intact".
Decide the process before the objects. Document everything. Pick the watch fight you can afford to lose.
A blunt field guide to the first month after the conversation. Sleep, paperwork, the kids, and the part nobody warns you about.
5 minHow to start the talk you've been rehearsing in the shower for six months. A practical guide to the words, the room, the aftermath.
4 minWhen she ends it and you didn't see it coming. The first 72 hours, the stories you'll tell yourself, and what to actually do.
4 minA self-interrogation guide for the man considering ending his marriage. Not advice. Questions. The hard ones, in order.
5 min