The other parent

Three months after my father died, my mother fell in the kitchen at 11pm and lay on the tiles for forty minutes before she could get to her phone. She didn't break anything. She didn't tell me for two weeks. When she did, she framed it as a small story about being silly. It wasn't. It was the centre of the next year of my life.

The surviving parent is the part of grief that men under-prepare for.

Week one: shock and crowd

In the first week the surviving parent is rarely alone. The house is full.

Useful things to do:

• Stay overnight at least once.
• Help with food. Stock the freezer.
• Don't move anything. Not the slippers by the bed.
• Sit in the room with them in silence for an hour.

Month one to three: the floor drops out

Watch for:

• Sleep collapse. If not improving by week eight, GP visit.
• Drinking more. A glass of wine at 6pm becomes a bottle by 10. Easy to miss.
• Falls. Lower body strength drops with grief. Reaction times go.
• Money mistakes. Sudden trips. A new car. Generosity that doesn't fit the budget.
• The quiet depression. Not crying. Just shrinking. Six weeks of withdrawal: GP visit.
• Sudden new romance. Less common at 70+, but it happens.

How often to call

Daily for the first two weeks. Three or four times a week for the first three months. Twice a week for the rest of year one.

Voice, not text.

Five questions that uncover more than "how are you":

• "What did you eat today?"
• "Did you go outside today?"
• "Have you slept properly the last few nights?"
• "Has anyone called you this week?"
• "What's the next thing in your diary?"

If three of the five come back as "not really", drive over.

What you become to them

The role inverts.

What helps:

• Take over one specific thing fully. Not all the things. One.
• Don't take over the things they want to do. Cooking. Gardening. The shopping.
• Resist the urge to "have them move closer". Most surviving parents do better staying in the house for the first 12 months.

The parent who handled all the finances

What to do, low-key:

• Sit with them for two hours in week three or four. Map: what comes in, what goes out, what's in the buffer.
• Set up online banking access if they don't have it.
• Identify the one financial advisor or accountant.
• Set up direct debits for boring stuff.

Don't take over their money. Don't add yourself to the account. Just make the system more legible.

When to escalate to a GP

• More than two weeks of broken sleep.
• Weight loss they're not aware of.
• Talking about being "a burden".
• Withdrawal from things they used to enjoy.
• Drinking that's increased and not coming back down.

Don't ask them to go to the GP alone. Drive them.

What you keep doing through year one

• The weekly call, every week.
• A monthly visit if you live in the same city. A quarterly visit if you don't.
• One overnight stay at the parents' house every 6-8 weeks.
• A check-in on the first anniversary, the deceased parent's birthday, and the wedding anniversary.

You're not their carer. You're not their partner. You're their adult son, with a different job description.

Show up steady. Take over one thing. Don't move the slippers.

Further watching

• Ambiguous loss and the 'myth of closure,' with Pauline Boss, PhD | Speaking of Psychology
• Finding Meaning from Grief with David Kessler