The first 72 hours

The call came at 4:17am. I know because I looked at my phone before I picked up. My sister was crying in a way that made the words almost optional. I sat on the edge of the bed in my underwear and listened, and the next thing I remember clearly is standing in the kitchen at six, holding a mug of tea I hadn't made.

The first 72 hours after a parent dies are the strangest time in a man's adult life.

What can't wait

A small list. Most of it is mechanical.

• The body. If they died in hospital, staff handle the immediate part. If at home, you call 000 if unexpected, or the GP/palliative team if expected.
• Calling a funeral home. This is the one decision in the first 24 hours that cannot wait. Pick one your family has used before, or one your GP recommends.
• Telling the immediate family. Other parent first if alive. Then siblings. Then your kids if old enough. Voice calls, not texts.
• The death certificate. The doctor signs the medical certificate. The official one takes 2-4 weeks.

What can wait a week

• The will. Reading it on day two changes nothing.
• The bank accounts.
• The house. Don't clear anything out. Especially not the wardrobe.
• The will-they-want-this conversations about objects.
• Telling extended family.
• Your own work. Tell your manager you're out for a week.

The decisions you'll regret

These are the ones men make in the first 72 hours that they wish they hadn't:

Cremation vs burial, decided at the funeral director's desk on day two. Slow it down by twelve hours.

The "expensive coffin out of guilt" decision. Spend what you can afford, not what your grief is telling you.

Saying yes to every relative who wants to "come and help". Pick three.

Posting on social media at 2am. Wait until the family knows.

Getting drunk to sleep. Tempting, common, and a quiet on-ramp to a bad three months.

What to do for yourself in 72 hours

• Eat. Even if you're not hungry.
• Sleep when you can. If you fall asleep at 6pm in the chair, let yourself.
• Walk. 20 minutes outside, twice a day.
• One person on call.
• Don't drive long distances on day two.

The thing nobody tells you

In the first 72 hours, you'll feel things that don't match the script. Relief. Annoyance at your siblings. Hunger. A weird urge to laugh.

None of this means you didn't love them. It means a body that has been holding a long breath has finally exhaled.

Move slow. Decide late. Eat before you cry.

Further watching

• What really matters at the end of life | BJ Miller | TED
• Making funeral arrangements: Tips and information from a funeral director