The kids conversation
If you have them: when to mention them, when to introduce them, how the rhythm of dating changes when you've got 50/50 custody.
In progress5 min↓ 648 words
§ Journey
If you have them: when to mention them, when to introduce them, how the rhythm of dating changes when you've got 50/50 custody.
The first woman I dated seriously after my marriage met my kids ten months in. By that point we'd been on roughly forty dates, three weekends away, and one Christmas Eve at her parents'. The kids met her at a Saturday lunch at our place, casually, not as a Big Event. My eldest, then eleven, said almost nothing during lunch and then asked me at bedtime, "Is she going to be your girlfriend forever?" I said I didn't know yet. He said okay.
That timing — ten months — was not accidental. The kids conversation, more than almost anything else in dating after 40, rewards patience and punishes improvisation.
The honest position: yes, you mention you have kids. No, they don't appear in your photos.
In the body of your profile: "Two kids, primary school age, with me half the week."
What not to do:
The framing that works: a man who happens to have kids, not a single dad first.
Mention by date three at the latest. Not on date one — too much. Not date six — by then she'll wonder why you held it back.
"My kids are with me Tuesday to Thursday and every other weekend. So my Tuesdays through Thursdays look pretty different from my Fridays through Sundays."
Specific. Calm. Not a confession. A piece of information.
What you're checking for in her response: equanimity, not enthusiasm.
The general rule: not before six months, and only if the relationship is stable.
Adjusted by age of kids:
The first meeting itself: low-stakes, short, no Big Event framing. A Saturday lunch at home. Forty-five minutes, then she goes.
What to skip:
If you've got 50/50 custody, dating happens around it.
The rhythm of dating with kids is slower than dating without them. That's not a bug. That's the structure.
For teenagers, run the conversation before the introduction, not after.
"I've been seeing someone for a while. Her name is Sarah. She's pretty important to me now and I'd like you to meet her at some point, when you're up for it. No pressure on the timing."
Then listen. Don't bargain. Take the answer they give, even if it's "not yet". They live in your house too.
The kids are not a barrier to your dating life. They are a part of it.
Slow is the move. Mention by three. Introduce by nine. Listen to the teenagers.
A blunt field guide to the first month after the conversation. Sleep, paperwork, the kids, and the part nobody warns you about.
5 minHow to start the talk you've been rehearsing in the shower for six months. A practical guide to the words, the room, the aftermath.
4 minWhen she ends it and you didn't see it coming. The first 72 hours, the stories you'll tell yourself, and what to actually do.
4 minA self-interrogation guide for the man considering ending his marriage. Not advice. Questions. The hard ones, in order.
5 min